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Sunday, June 8, 2008
Here are 5 lessons in life for you to remember. Do note that these are for entertainment purposes only. Lesson #1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?” Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lesson #2: A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But soon, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologised, “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.” Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lesson #3: A sales representative, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I'll give each of you just one wish.” ”Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” *POOF!* She was gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales representative. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” *POOF!* He was gone. “OK, you're up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.” Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lesson #4: A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree” sighed the turkey, “but I haven't got the energy.” ”Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They're packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lesson #5: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
5:55 PM
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Below are a collection of some interesting or tough words.1) Czechoslovakia (Chek-ko-slow-vakia) The name of a country. 2) Aardvark (a large, nocturnal, burrowing mammal, of central and southern Africa, feeding on ants and termites and having a long, extensile tongue, strong claws, and long ears.) 3) Diurnal (Die-year-nal) Not nocturnal;of the day time 4) Pompous (Feeling or sowing that one feels that he is much more important than other people.) E.g. pompous language 5) Impromptu (Without preparation, rehearsal or thought in advance.) E.g. He spoke impromptu. 6) Gusto (Enthusiastic vigour in doing something.) E.g. singing the choruses with great gusto 7) Zealous (Energy or enthusiasm ; keenness) E.g. work with great zeal 8) Nonchalant (Not feeling or showing interest or enthusiasm ; calm and casual) E.g. She defeated all her rivals for the job with nonchalant ease. 9) Extraterrestrial (Of or from outside the earth and its atmosphere) E.g. extraterrestrial life forms 10) Encephalopathy (En-cep-fer-loh-pathy) Disease of the brain 11) Neurology (Scientific study of nerves and their diseases) 12) Limnology (The scientific study of bodies of fresh water, such as lakes and ponds.) 13) Waterfowl (Bird that swims and lives near or on the water, especially one of the types that are hunted for sport.) 14) Vexillology (The study of flags.) 15) Boor (rough, rude or insensitive man.) E.g. Don't be such a boor! 16) Peeved (annoyed) E.g. He was rather peeved about something. 17) Debonair (cheerful and self-assured) E.g. He strolled about, looking very debonair in his elegant new suit. 18) Reykjavik (Ray-jer-veek) The capital of Iceland. 19) Connoissieur (Con-no-sir) Person with good judgement on matters in which appreciation of fineness or beauty is needed, especially the fine arts. E.g. a connoissier of painting 20) Quiche (Keesh) Open pastry tart with a savoury filling, especially of eggs, bacon, cheese, etc. 21) Gouge (Ga-ouch) Tool with a sharp semicircular edge for cutting grooves in wood. 22) Arthritis (Ar-try-tis) Inflammation of a joint or joints of the body, causing pain and stiffness. 23) Poignant (Poi-nient) Affecting one's feelings deeply, making one sad, full of pity, etc. E.g. poignant sorrow, regret, memories 24) Illicit (Illegal) E.g. the illicit sale of drugs 25) Squalor (very dirty and unpleasant, especially because of neglect ad poverty; sordid; squalid) E.g. squalid housing, conditions. 26) Oblique (not horizontal or vertical; sloping; slanting) E.g. an oblique line 27) Clandestine (done secretly; kept secret; surreptitious) E.g. a clandestine marriage 28) Exorbitant (a price/charge that is much too high and unreasonable) E.g. The price of food here is exorbitant. 29) Puerile (pyu-rail) showing immaturity; childish and silly E.g. puerile questions, behaviour, concerns, objections 30) Fettuccine (fat-tu-chini) pasta cut in flat narrow strips 31) Quesadilla (kay-sir-dilla) a tortilla folded over a filling of shredded cheese, onions, and chilies and broiled or fried 32) Pirouette (piru-wet) rapid turn or spin made by a ballet-dancer while balanced on the point of the toe or the ball of the foot 33) Faux (fo-oh) imitation; not genuine E.g. faux leather 34) Girdle (thing that surrounds something else) E.g. a girlde of green fields round a town 35) Isthmus (Is-mas) narrow strip of land joining two larger areas of land that would otherwise be seperated by water E.g. the isthmus of Panama 36) Congenial (of a person, pleasing of similarities in temperament, interests, etc.) E.g. a congenial companion 37) Albumen (substance found in many seeds, especially the eatable part) 38) Gourmand (gore-man) lover of food; glutton 39) Gourmet (gir-mae) person who enjoys and is expert in the choice of fine foods, wines, etc. E.g. gourmet restaurants 40) Asylum (a-sai-lum) 1) place of sagety or refuge 2) hospital for the care of mentally ill or destitute people 41) Eulogy (speech or piece of writing containing high praise of a person or thing) E.g. poem of eulogy to the princess 42) Parquet (par-kay) flooring made of wooden blocks arranged in a pattern E.g. a parguet floor 43) Muesli (muse-lee) breakfast food that is a mixture of uncooked cereak, nuts, dried fruit, etc. 44) Macabre (mer-car-ber) connected with death, and thus causing fear; gruesome E.g. a macabre ghost story 45) Carburettor (car-bur-ater) apparatus in a petrol engine for mixing fuel and air to make an explosive mixture 46) Haemorrhage (hammer-age) heavy bleeding 47) Haemophilia (he-moe-filia) disease, usually inherited, that causes the sufferer to bleed severely from even a slight injury, because the blood fails to clot normally 48) Twaddle (nonsense or writing of low quality) E.g. I have never heard such utter twaddle! 49) Claptrap (worthless, insincere or pretentious talk; nonsense) E.g. What a load of claptrap! 50) Balderdash (ball-der-dash) (dated informal) nonsense E.g. He's talking balderdash. 51) Blather (blad-er) to talk for a long time about unimportant things 52) Gibberish (nonsense) E.g. Don't talk gibberish! 53) Poppycock (old fashioned) nonsense E.g. He dismissed the official explanation as complete poppycock. 54) Bilge (slang) worthless ideas or talk; nonsense E.g. Don't give me that bilge! 55) Hogwash (stupid or untrue talk; nonsense) E.g. That's a load of hogwash! 56) Hooey (hoe-yi) false or foolish talk E.g. What hooey! 57) Tripe (nonsense) E.g. Don't talk tripe! 58) Blasé (blah-say) bored or not impressed by things because one has already seen or experienced them so often E.g. Jean is very blasé about parties. a blasé attitude, manner 59) Passé (pass-say) out of date; old-fashioned E.g. I'm beginning to find her novels rather passé. 60) Prattle (unimportant chatter; gossip) 61) Flibbertigibbet (irresponsible, silly and gossipy person) 62) Teeter-totter (see-saw) 63) Gobbledygook (also gobbledegook) (difficult or pompous language used by specialists; jargon) E.g. Civil Service documents are often written in gobbledygook that ordinary people cannot understand. 64) Hodgepodge (also hotchpotch) (number of things mixed together without order; confused jumble) E.g. His essay was a hodgepodge of other people's ideas. 65) Hoick (to lift or pull something up with a sudden movement; jerk) E.g. She hoicked her skirt up and began to dance. 66) Hombre (om-bray) man; fellow; guy E.g. That sheriff is a mean hombre. 67) Aeon (also eon) (ee-yearn) period of time so long that it cannot be measured E.g. The earth was formed aeons ago. 68) Spurious (spill-rious) not genuine or authentic E.g. spurious coins, credentials, documents, evidence 69) Concierge (con-xie-sh) (especially in France) a person who has charge of the entrance of a building and is often the owner's representative; doorkeeper 70) Haphazard (ha-pear-zard) without plan or order; random E.g. books piled on the shelves in a haphazard fashion 71)Pedagogy (the art or science of teaching) 72) Arrant (to the highest degree; utter) E.g. an arrant fool, arrant nonsense 73) Ricochet (rick-oh-shay) strike a surface and rebound at an angle E.g. The stone ricocheted off the wall and hit a passer-by. 74) Clavicle (collar bone) 75) Expatriate (ex-pay-tree-iads) (verb) cause someone to leave his native country E.g. expatriated on suspicion of spying for the enemy (noun) person living outside his own country E.g. American expatriates in Paris 76) Prospector (person who explores a region looking for gold, ores, etc.) 77) Derelict (deserted and allowed to fall into ruins; dilapidated) E.g. a derelict house, derelict areas 78) Broach (begin a discussion of a topic) E.g. He broached the subject of a loan with his bank manager. 79) Circuitous (sir-kill-eat-tous) long and indirect; roundabout E.g. a circuitous route 80) Kirsch (kay-earsh) colourless liqueur made from cherries 81) Blancmange (bler-marsh) jelly like pudding made with milk in a mould 82) Maisonette (may-zen-et) an apartment, usually of two floors connected by an internal staircase 83) Pasteurise (paster-ize) heat (a liquid, especially milk) to a certain temperature and then chill it, in order to kill harmful bacteria 84) Melancholy (melon-cally) deep sadness which lasts for some time; depression 85) Rendezvous (run-the-voo) place where people often meet E.g. This cafe is a rendezvous for writers and artists. 86) Plethora (quantity greater than what is needed; over-abundance) E.g. The report contained a plethora of detail. 87) Aorta (ei-or-ta) main artery through which blood is carried from the left side of the heart 88) Crouton (crew-torn) (French) cube of toasted or fried bread, usually served with soup 89) Albeit (all-beard) although E.g. I tried, albeit unsuccessfully, to contact him. 90) Avarice (ever-is) greed for wealth or gain E.g. Avarice makes rich people want to become even richer. 91) Petits pois (petite-puar) small green peas 92) Dachshund (dash-en-d) type of small dog with a long body and short legs 93) Tercentenary (300th anniversary) E.g. tercententary celebrations 94) Piffle (meaningless or worthless talk; nonsense) E.g. You are talking piffle! 95) Brazen (shameless; insolent) E.g. brazen rudeness 96) Terra firma (firm or solid earth; dry land (as opposed to water or air)) E.g. glad to be on terra firma again (after a trip by boat or plane) 97) Rehabilitate (restore somebody to a normal life by retraining, medical treatment, etc., especially after imprisonment or illness) E.g. rehabilitate the mentally disabled into the community 98) Heathen (wild or bad-mannered person) E.g. Some young heathens has vandalised the bus shelther. 99) Heist (verb) (rob or steal) / (noun) (robbery; burglary) 100) Divulge (make something secret known) E.g. divulge a confidential report, identity, age, etc. I cannot divulge how much it costs. 101) Haberdasher (British) (shopkeeper who sells small articles for sewing such as pins, cotton, buttons, zips, etc.) / (American) (shopkeeper who sells men's clothing) 102) Harum-scarum (of a person or his behaviour) wild and reckless 103) Pusillanimous (cowardly; timid) 104) Obliterate (destroy something completely) E.g. The hurricane obliterated the nearby village. 105) Ubiquitous (seeming to be present everywhere or in several places at the same time) E.g. Is there no escape from the ubiquitous cigarette smoke in restaurants? 106) Menial (men-ear) suitable to be done by servants; unskilled E.g. a menial task, job, etc, menial chores like dusting and washing up 107) Contentious (likely to cause disagreement) a contentious book, law, speech 108) Altruism (principle of considering the welfare and happiness of others before one's own; unselfishness) E.g. an altruist 109) Impertinent (not respectful; rude) E.g. impertinent remarks, an impertinent child, It would be impertinent to suggest that he was always wrong. 110) Higgledy-piggledy (without order; completely mixed up) E.g. Files were scattered higgledy-piggledy about the office. 111) Onslaught (a fierce attack) E.g. They survived an onslaught by tribesmen. 112) Assiduous (showing constant and careful attention) E.g. be assiduous in one's duties, The book was the result of ten years' assiduous research. 113) Octogenarian (person between 80 and 89 years of age) E.g. She is very active for an octogenarian. 114) Elucidate (make something clear; explain) E.g. elucidate a problem, mystery, etc. The notes helped to elucidate the most difficult parts of the text. 115) Accentuate (to give emphasis or prominence to) E.g. The tight jumper only accentuated his fat stomach. 116) Doughty (brave and strong) E.g. a doughty warrior 117) Whereat (at which) E.g. a reception whereat many were present 118) Mien (me-en) person's appearance or bearing, especially as an indication of mood, etc. E.g. a man of proud mien 119) Despoil (rob a place of something valuable) E.g. Museums have despoiled India of many priceless treasures. 120) Forthwith (immediately; at once) E.g. Mr Jones will be dismissed forthwith. 121) Hovel (small house that is unfit to live in; very poor and squalid dwelling) E.g. live in a hovel 122) Espy (catch sight of) E.g. Was it you I espied jogging in the park this morning? 123) Lest (used after fear, be afraid, be anxious, etc.) E.g. She was afraid lest he might drown. 124) Affright (sudden fear or terror) E.g. Upon seeing the bandits, in affright he began to run. 125) Therein (in that place) E.g. the house and all the possessions therein 126) Whence (from where) E.g. They have returned whence they came. 127) Descry (see something especially a long way away; catch sight of) E.g. I descry a sail on the horizon. 128) Whilst (while) 129) Wholly (completely; entirely) E.g. I'm not wholly convinced by your argument. 130) Berate (scold sharply) 131) Extempore (spoke or done without previous thought or preparation; impromptu) E.g. an extempore speech 132) Extemporize (speak or perform extempore) E.g. He had to extemporise because he had forgotten to bring his notes. 133) Coccyx (cock-six) small bone at the bottom of the spine 134) Phonograph [dated] record player 135) Impeccable (free from mistakes; excellent or flawless) E.g. Your English is impeccable! OR impeccable behaviour, manners, style, etc. 136) Cantankerous (quarrel-some; bad-tempered) 137) Curmudgeon (bad-tempered person) E.g. You're such a curmudgeon! 138) Doctorate (highest university degree) E.g. She's studying for her doctorate. 139) Insinuate (suggest something to somebody unpleasantly and indirectly) E.g. Are you insinuating that I am a liar? 140) Deprecate (feel and express disapproval of something) E.g. He deprecates changing the party's policy. 141) Filch (steal, especially something of small value) E.g. Who filched my pencil? 142) Succour (suk-er) help given to somebody in need or in danger E.g. bring succour to the sick and wounded 143) Ignominious (shameful or humiliating; causing disgrace) E.g. an ignominious defeat 144) Valour (bravery, especially in war) E.g. soldiers who displayed great valour 145) Irate (angry) E.g. an irate customer 146) Cur (cowardly or worthless man) E.g. You treacherous cur! 147) Blood-bath (indiscriminate killing of many people;massacre) E.g. The battle was a blood bath. 148) Banter (playful, good-humoured teasing) E.g. players exchanging light-hearted banter with the crowd 149) Unbidden (volutary or spontaneous) E.g. memories coming unbidden to one's mind 150) Irreparable [of a loss, an injury, etc.] (cannot be put right, restored or repaired) E.g. irreparable damage, harm, etc. 151) Concur (agree;express agreement) E.g. She has expressed her opposition to the plan, and I fully concur. 152) Allay (make something less;relieve) E.g. allay trouble, fears, suffering, doubt, suspicion, etc. 153) Pyyrhic Victory (pier-ic victory) [victory that was not worth winning as the winner has lost so much in winning it] 154) Victual (supply something with food and stores) E.g. victual a ship 155) Hitherto (hee-der-to) [until now] E.g. a hitherto unknown species of moth 156) Risque (ris-kay) [of a story, remark, item of clothing, etc.] slightly indecent 157) Hearken (listen) 158) Hearse (vehicle for carrying the coffin at a funeral)
8:15 PM
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
This part of the blog will display hilarious or interesting videos from YouTube. Be sure not to miss them, for they are must-sees!
5:11 PM
Laughter is indeed the best medicine. Below is a small collection of jokes that is guaranteed to tickle you! Joke 1) A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: "Da-ad..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." "Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!" "Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..." "WHAT??!!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?" Joke 2) A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark." The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you." The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?" "Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said. The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?" Joke 3) A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms." Joke 4) It was this little girl's first day of school and the teacher asked her what her name was and she replied, "Happy Butt." The teacher said, "Honey I don't think that's your name you need to go to the Principal's office and get this straightened out." So she went to the Principal's office and he asked, "What's your name?" And the little girl said, Happy Butt." The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all. After getting off the phone he looked at the little girl and said, "Honey, your name's is Gladys, not Happy Butt." The girl then exclaimed, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt" what's the difference?" Joke 5) A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?" The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did." The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: "You." Joke 6) A blonde woman is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds."Why, that is amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions? "The blonde nodded. "I must tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from all that skipping." Joke 7) A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!" Joke 8) Tom was doing poorly in math. His parents, after exhausting all other incentives, finally decided to enroll him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, Tom came home with a very serious look on his face. He went straight to his room and started studying. This continued for some time. His mother was baffled as to why he had become so dedicated. Finally, Tom brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went to his room to study. With great trepidation, his mother looked at it and, to her surprise, Tom got an "A" in math. She asked, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns, the books, the discipline, the uniforms?" Tom replied, "No!" "What was it?" she asked. Tom looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, I knew they weren't fooling around." Joke 9) Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!'' Joke 10) One day, John went over to his neighbour's house, and for some reason she was mad at the world. She had locked herself in the bathroom and was threatening suicide. John said, "Come on, you know you don't want to do this!" She replied, "I WILL do this, nobody wants me alive anyway!" After hearing that, John pushed open the door, and saw that she had a rope tied around her ankles. John enquired, "Are you really trying to hang yourself?" "Yeah, so what?" came the reply. "Well, usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their necks..." To which the lunatic replied, "Yeah, I tried that, but then I couldn't breathe." Joke 11) Six guys are playing poker. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide who's going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short one. "Break it to her gently," they all urged him. "Leave it to me," he says. When Smith's wife comes to the door, Anderson exclaimed, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." "WHAT?!?" the wife yells, eyes blazing. "Tell him to drop dead!" Joke 12) "So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man.""That's correct," says the defendant."Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her.""That's correct," says the defendant."Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.The defendant replies, "It was easier than having to shoot a different man everyday!" Joke 13) A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walking in. The pirate had a peg leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye. Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said,"Come over here friend. You look like you've had a hard life and I'd like to buy you a drink." The pirate came over and ordered rum."Just out of curiosity," the man said, "how did you lose your leg?" "Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard for stealing a man's rum.""That's just terrible. How did you lose your hand?" the man said."Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that fighting cannibals off Madagascar. " "Oh my goodness!" the man said, "I can't even imagine! How did you lose your eye?" "Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!" said the pirate."A seagull!" the man exclaimed. "Is seagull poop dangerous?!" he enquired. "Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook..." Joke 14) A man passing by a cemetery heard a second man who was kneeling at a nearby grave crying out loudly, "Why did you have to die?!!? Why did you have to die?!!?". The first man was so moved by the other man's obvious pain, that he walked over and lightly placed a comforting hand on the distraught man's shoulder and asked him, "Is this your wife?". "No", replied the weeping man, "Her first husband!" Joke 15) A husband and wife walked up to view the body of his mother-in-law at the funeral. As he began to weep, his wife slapped him and said: “Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway!” The husband replied, “I know, I thought I saw her move!!” Joke 16) An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interestin his paintings on display at that time."I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" To which the owner replied, "the guy was your doctor." Joke 17) A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to GOD. "GOD", he said, "How long is a million years?" GOD answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute." The man asked, "GOD, how much is a million dollars?" GOD answered, "To Me, it's a dime." The man then asked, "GOD, can I have a dime? "GOD said, "In a minute." Joke 18) A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,"So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..." Joke 19) A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas. Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino and finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I just won over a million dollars in Vegas." His wife say, "That's wonderful. What should I pack for...Europe, the Carribean?" He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home." Joke 20) My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?" The bored guy looked at me and said sarcastically, "No. You'll have to do that yourself." Joke 21) The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out aboutsomething exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the timecame for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. The teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie."Well I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man nextdoor shot himself." Joke 22) Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter". Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars". One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars." Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!" Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars" Joke 23) A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the following items: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A half carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A small head of romaine lettuce, A 2-pound can of coffee, And a 1-pound package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly." Joke 24) The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Since he has never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. The reluctant chauffeur pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel. The Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do. Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of the State Patrol in his side mirror, so he pulled over. The trooper approached the limo, peered inthrough the windows, then said, "Just a moment please, I need to call in." The trooper called in and explained to the chief that he had a very important person pulled over for speeding. "How do I handle this, chief?" asked the trooper. "Is it the Governor?" questioned the chief. "No! This guy is even more important!" "Is it the President?" asked the chief. "No! Even more important!" "Well, who the heck is it?" screamed the chief. "I don't know, sir," replied the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur." Joke 25) A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right." Joke 26) A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-coloured liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to colour, smell, sight, and taste." After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth." Joke 27) There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians. Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly. All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. "I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check. The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, "But, compared to his brother, he was a saint." Joke 28) Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.) After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks. Joke 29) A foolish woman was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capital building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions. "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capital building?" The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and the woman was still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capital building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?" The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now... The 45th bus just went by!" Joke 30) A teacher was trying to get his seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers. "How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?" "Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date." Joke 31) A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit." The doctor replied, "My point exactly." Joke 32) Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buseswere running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned tothe other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my buttfell asleep!'.The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!" Joke 33) Yesterday, Matt went to the doctor for his yearly physical. His blood pressure was high, his cholesterol was high, plus he had gained some weight and didn't feel so well. His doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve his physical problems. The doctor advised him to think in colors, "Fill your plate with bright colors: greens, yellows, reds, etc." Matt went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's and sure enough, he felt better immediately. Matt never knew eating right could be so easy. Joke 34) A woman is driving her car when she is pulled over by a a cop. He says to her, "Ma'am, may i see your licence please? You were speeding". The woman answers, "Oh no, officer, I don't have a licence, they took it after the 4th time i was caught driving drunk." The officer replies, "That is serious. Give me the car's registration forms, please". The woman answers, "Oh, this is not my car. I stole it from my boss after i killed him. His body is in the trunk by the way". The cop is amazed and immediately calls for backup while slowly moving away from the car, his hand on his gun. When backup comes, the chief of the police approaches the woman with his gun pointed at her and orders her to get out of the vehicle. The woman walks out, as ordered. Then the chief says, "Ma'am, the officer said you reported a dead body in your trunk. please open it". The woman acts amazed and when she opens the trunk, there is nothing there. The surprised chief says, "Can i also see your driving licence?" The woman opens her wallet and hands her licence to him. The chief says, "Well, i'm sorry ma'am. I don't know what to say. The officer over there told me you had a dead body in your trunk and that you didn't have a licence". The woman smiles and says, "I bet he also told you I was speeding, didn't he...?" Joke 35) A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically."Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make several low-level passes.""Why?" asked the nervous pilot."Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!"The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?" Joke 36) A seven year old boy goes to the hospital with his grandmother to visit his grandfather. When they arrive there he runs ahead of his granny and bursts into his grandpa's room. "Grandpa, as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog," he shouted. "What for?" asked his grandpa. "Grandma said that as soon as you croaked, we're going to Disneyland" Joke 37) Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"John says, "I feel just like a newborn baby.""Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just pooped my pants." Joke 38) One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot." "Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George. "I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister." "Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father." Joke 39) A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!" Joke 40) Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match. At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen. They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Englishmen cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please." Joke 41) Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.."Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked."To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue."What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?" Joke 42) Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit." Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother." Joke 43) An idiot is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating along in her lycra pants, smiling at everyone, listening to her Walkman. She decides that she really needs a haircut. She skates into the firstsalon she sees and goes up to the hairdresser and says, "I need a haircut." The hairdresser checks her out and says, "OK, sit down and take off your headphones." "No way!" shouts the woman, "If I take off my headphones, I'll die!" "Then I can't give you a haircut," replies the hairdresser. So the idiot gets up and leaves and skates further down the board-walk. She sees another salon, goes in, and says to the hairdresser, "I need a haircut... but you can't take off my headphones or I'll die!" The hairdresser looks at her a little weird, but says, "OK, no problem. Have a seat." So the idiot sits down and the hairdresser comes up behind her,and when she isn't looking, rips the headphones off her head. Suddenly the blonde starts choking, and soon turns blue in the face, then kneels over and dies right there in the salon chair. The hairdresser is a little freaked out by this. The hairdresser leans over and cautiously listens into the woman's headphones and hears... "Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out..." Joke 44) An airline captain was breaking in a new stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb!" Joke 45) Two hunters were off on their annual trip to the Canadian wilderness to bag a moose. As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the pilot said, "I'll be back in one week to pick you up. But only one moose, please." When he returned to the lake, he found the hunters proudly standing beside two moose. "I told you guys only one moose!" the furious flier screamed. "There's no way the plane can take off with that much weight!" "You're just a chicken pilot," one hunter said. "We killed two moose last year and that pilot wasn't afraid to take off." Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, he reconsidered. "All right, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it." They loaded up and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his take-off. The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space and crashed into the trees. Some time later, the hunters regained consciousness. "Where are we?" one asked. His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the edge of the lake and replied, "Oh, I guess about a hundred yards farther than last year." Joke 46) One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard aboutone of your students?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you topass a little test. It's called the Test of Three." "Three?" "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "Oh no," the man said, "actually I just heard about it." "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what youare about to tell me about my student something good?" "No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates interrupted, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" "Well it....no, not really..." "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affair with his wife. Joke 47) A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC. Do you know those bureaucrats deducted $95.00 in taxes! Joke 48) A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without." Joke 49) A man sits down at a bar and asks the bartender for 30 year old glass of wiskey. The Bartender turns around and pulls a bottle of out of the cabinet and pours the glass and hands it to the man. The man takes a drink and then spits it out and says "I asked for 30 year old wiskey! That's only 15 year old wiskey!" So then the bartender turns around and and gets an old bottle and pours the man a glass. The man takes a sip and says "I asked for 30 year old wiskey! Thats only 25 year old wiskey!" So the bartender takes an old, spider web covered bottle and pours the man a glass The man takes a sip and says "Aww now thats 30 year old wiskey!" An old man at the end of the bar slides the man a glass and says "Take a sip of that" The man takes a sip and he says "that tastes like piss" The old man at the end of the bar says "I know, but tell me, how old am I?" Joke 50) An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood. To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, they walk down to their old school. There, they held hands as they find the desk they shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally". On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, and they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money and it's fifty-thousand dollars. The husband says: "We've got to give it back". She says, "Finders keepers" and puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic. The next day, two FBI agents who are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home. One knocks on the door and says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?" She says, "No". The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." But the agents sat down & begin to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning." The old man says: "Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school yesterday..." At this, the FBI guy looks at his partner & says, "We're outta here." Joke 51) A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In theden was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you baghim?" The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with mywife." "What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter. "My wife." Joke 52) A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids, too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need." She asks, "What's that?" The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!" Joke 54) A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist. He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better. The psychiatrist asked him a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face. Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers." Joke 55) A man was walking into the hospital for a routine examination the other day. Just as he reached the main entrance, another man, who had just exited the hospital, keeled over on the sidewalk. The first man ran towards the second and noticed that he was obviously dead. The man rushed into the hospital, grabbed the first doctor that he could find, and screamed, "Doctor, Doctor!! A man just walked out of the hospital and dropped dead on the sidewalk!! What should I do?" The doctor thought about this dilemma for a few moments, then suggested, "Spin him around. Make it look like he was coming in." Joke 56) A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene, what happened?" "Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up." "He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?" "About 20 years, sir" "20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done." "It was, sir." Joke 57) A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake." Joke 58) A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom."You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know, " he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!" Joke 59) A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear?" She asked gently. "I think you bring me bad luck." Joke 60) A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years." Joke 61) There is a blonde, a redhead and a brunette on the stairway to heaven. God says, "There are 3,000 steps and i'll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell." So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, the brunette laughs and goes to hell. Then on the 2,000th step God tells a joke, the redhead laughs and goes to hell. On the 3,000th step God tells a joke, the blonde doesn't laugh and proceeds to the gate. Suddenly, she bursts out laughing. God asks, "what are you laughing about?" She replies, "I just got the first joke!". Joke 62) Jake was on his deathbed while his wife, Becky, maintained a steady vigil by his side. As she held his fragile hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his, and roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to quiver with sound. "My darling Becky," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep Shhh! Don't talk." But he was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend and our next door neighbor." Becky mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now Jake, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?" Joke 63) A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny," He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go". Joke 64) A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too." The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests." Joke 65) A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far. His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside. He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!" Joke 66) During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised?" "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No," said the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug out. Now, do you want a bed near the window?" Joke 67) A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?" At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?" The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!" Joke 68) I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot. It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have no wife to go home to... or they do. Joke 69) A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm just tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'." Joke 70) A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9". Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree. Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? "Harry, after a moment "Legs." Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Harry: "Pockets." Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants" Ms Brooks: What's a start with a C and ends with a T is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Harry: Coconut Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge. Harry: Bubblegum Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer. Harry: Shake hands Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay? Harry: Yep. Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Harry: Tent Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. Harry: Wedding Ring Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Harry: Nose Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Harry: Arrow Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement? Harry: Fire truck The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself." Joke 71) One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir" he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing. Where you from?" "I'm from Dublin" came the reply. "Me too! What street do you live on?" "McCarthy street" The second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?" "162" the first man replies. "Me too! What are your parents names?" "Connor and Shannon" The second man, almost dumbfounded says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!" So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh nothing much, the Murphy twins are drunk again though." Joke 72) The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!" The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will." Joke 73) A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!" The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?" "No," replied the trainee. "It's the CEO of the company, you fool!" The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!" "No." replied the CEO indignantly. "Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone. Joke 74) A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al. Joe: "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's buttocks and said, "Nope, that ain't George." Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al. Al: "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Again, "Nope, that ain't George." Mortician: "How can you tell?" Al: "George had two assholes." Mortician: "What? How could he have two assholes?" Al: "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you'd hear people say, "Here comes George with those two assholes!" Not enough for you? Don't worry, more will be added!
4:43 PM
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Click on the links to see the photos! I will only use PhotoBucket to upload if there are a large amount of pictures. (Blogger's too slow at uploading.) Oh, and please note that the photos are in slideshow format.Singapore Airshow 2008 Part 1 Singapore Airshow 2008 Part 2 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Marine Life Gallery (Part of a school project, actually.)
8:54 PM
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